Ach Cailìn

So, I have this really small (big) obsession with this small show called General Hospital. The writing is awesome for a soap opera, I can't be certain about the acting at times but the writing is good. I started watching it when I was 13 and have been watching it ever since. The thing that sucks about it, though, is that I can't watch anything from before I was 13. I mean, all shows now come out on DVD, no matter how shitty it is. But you can't get any soaps on DVD so i can't watch anything that happened before, and it drives me insane.

One of my favourite characters is Sonny, Maurice Benard in real life. I found his "offical website" and it has clips of his shows dating back to 1993 (when he started). I'm so excited! I have a feeling I'll be up ALL night!

http://mbtv.sosugary.com/category_home.php?cid=TV: General Hospital

I'm feeling really shitty these days. I'm not really sure why. I am angry and irritable. I can't sleep, I can't eat properly. I just don't...feel right. Everything seems to fragile to me, everything so breakable and I feel on edge. Stress is a huge factor in my life and I find myself taking my anger out on the people I love the most. I'm feeling ashamed and sad, and just generally...bad. I hate feeling like this.
It's probably my stress level and the weather, but I hate this feeling. I want it all to go away. I wish I could sleep winter away and wake up in the spring. If only....

Hey Everyone,

So, for any of you who read yesterday's post, I apologize. I was upset, and as it started as a simple thought it turned into a gigantic rant that should not have been published. I was mad and needed a place to vent. I didn't realize everyone would get it. I pressed a wrong button and the link was sent to people and it should not have been.

I feel really horrible for the things I said, considering they weren't completely true. I mean, in my angry mind that's what I was seeing, but I have to admit that things aren't like that. I was extremely angry, not at anyone in particular but I was looking for someone to blame.

I have taken down yesterday's post so it will not longer be available and that is that.

Last night was probably the best New Years Eve I've had since I got clean. We went out to Upper Canada Village, which was pretty awesome and I'm totally going back in the summer. I can't wait to see all the buildings and stuff. They only have a couple buildings open and we didn't get a chance to see them. We went on his toy train ride that took us..well...in a really boring circle.
Afterwards, we rang in the New Year at Perkins. My dad came. It was really nice to be able to celebrate the New Year with my dad. I feel like we're getting a lot closer these days, which is really awesome. I like my dad, he's pretty cool.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

So, I started writing a new book - which is totally awesome. I haven't really written anything since I left Goodlife, which is...like...three years ago, I think. Granted, I did write a book immediately after leaving Goodlife, I feel like I haven't written in forever. The book I wrote before, Somewhere Somehow, is still in the editing process. But you can only read your own writing so much before you hate it. So, I'm taking a break from that. Also, it's sort of stuck on my laptop at the moment, so I can't do anything with it, really. As soon as I finish editing it, though, I'm going to get a Leslie (from PW) to read it and then I'm going to send it away. I don't know to who yet, but someone, probably in the States. Maybe even the UK. I don't want to even try publishing in Canada because I'll just get rejected. It's a real shame Canadians don't publish Fiction, it really is.
Anyways, so this new story is totally awesome and I'm having so much fun writing it. There's so much conflict and hesitation. It's just awesome. I have noticed, however, that the main character is very close to the same as the one in the previous book I wrote and they've both been cheated on - lol. Maybe all my characters will be like that. Jude Devereaux is like that. They're not always the same characters but they always have the same plot. Which is kind of boring, because after reading thirteen of her books, I know exactly how the story will go. But her characters are so real, I still enjoy reading her books.
Anyways, there's a snippet of the book in my other blog. Just one scene. It was the best one when I posted it, but there have been a few more since then.
Yay!

The holidays were really hard for me this year. My brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby. She is due May 17th, I was due May 10th. We got pregnant at the same time. And although I know deep in my heart that the timing wasn't right for us, I couldn't help but feel a sort of jealousy or bitterness towards them. When I found out they were having a girl, I was felt better. I knew, in my heart, that my baby would be a boy and if they were having a boy, I would feel like they were having my baby. It's hard to explain and it probably sounds crazy, but that's how I felt.
So, during Christmas, there were some baby things going around, and it was Grace's third Chirtsmas, but her first one where she really fully understood what was happening. And then at my Grandma's my cousin's three year old daughter was there.
It was just hard, seeing all these babies and knowing I had one so close. I was so close.
SO, now I'm struggling with wanting a baby. I know that the timing still isn't exactly right. I would like to at least finish school before I get pregnant, but I can't help but want one. I want all the specialness that comes with a baby. The happiness and the newness. I want to hold that little thing in my arms and know that it's mine, know that I am responsible for this little bundle.
For now, I guess my dogs will do. But they're not like babies. They top out at a certain level intellectually, whereas a baby, you get to watch grow up in front of your eyes.
One day it will happen. One day I'll have one to hold, I just need to be patient. The longer I wait, the better life he/she (but hoepfully a he) will have. Right?

Well, I have officially maxed out. The stress, the emotions, the feelings, they've all gotten to me and I had a break down last night. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I cried to my old friends, I cried to my old life, for the baby I don't have, for the stress of school, for the change of life. I cried long and hard. And when I was done, I went to a friend's place who helped me put my life back into perspective. I now see the error of my ways, I see how my life is and I know that this is what I want. I want to be who I am and I want what I have coming to me in life. I want it all and now that I have decided that, I can have it. :)