Ach Cailìn

So, I started writing a new book - which is totally awesome. I haven't really written anything since I left Goodlife, which is...like...three years ago, I think. Granted, I did write a book immediately after leaving Goodlife, I feel like I haven't written in forever. The book I wrote before, Somewhere Somehow, is still in the editing process. But you can only read your own writing so much before you hate it. So, I'm taking a break from that. Also, it's sort of stuck on my laptop at the moment, so I can't do anything with it, really. As soon as I finish editing it, though, I'm going to get a Leslie (from PW) to read it and then I'm going to send it away. I don't know to who yet, but someone, probably in the States. Maybe even the UK. I don't want to even try publishing in Canada because I'll just get rejected. It's a real shame Canadians don't publish Fiction, it really is.
Anyways, so this new story is totally awesome and I'm having so much fun writing it. There's so much conflict and hesitation. It's just awesome. I have noticed, however, that the main character is very close to the same as the one in the previous book I wrote and they've both been cheated on - lol. Maybe all my characters will be like that. Jude Devereaux is like that. They're not always the same characters but they always have the same plot. Which is kind of boring, because after reading thirteen of her books, I know exactly how the story will go. But her characters are so real, I still enjoy reading her books.
Anyways, there's a snippet of the book in my other blog. Just one scene. It was the best one when I posted it, but there have been a few more since then.
Yay!

The holidays were really hard for me this year. My brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby. She is due May 17th, I was due May 10th. We got pregnant at the same time. And although I know deep in my heart that the timing wasn't right for us, I couldn't help but feel a sort of jealousy or bitterness towards them. When I found out they were having a girl, I was felt better. I knew, in my heart, that my baby would be a boy and if they were having a boy, I would feel like they were having my baby. It's hard to explain and it probably sounds crazy, but that's how I felt.
So, during Christmas, there were some baby things going around, and it was Grace's third Chirtsmas, but her first one where she really fully understood what was happening. And then at my Grandma's my cousin's three year old daughter was there.
It was just hard, seeing all these babies and knowing I had one so close. I was so close.
SO, now I'm struggling with wanting a baby. I know that the timing still isn't exactly right. I would like to at least finish school before I get pregnant, but I can't help but want one. I want all the specialness that comes with a baby. The happiness and the newness. I want to hold that little thing in my arms and know that it's mine, know that I am responsible for this little bundle.
For now, I guess my dogs will do. But they're not like babies. They top out at a certain level intellectually, whereas a baby, you get to watch grow up in front of your eyes.
One day it will happen. One day I'll have one to hold, I just need to be patient. The longer I wait, the better life he/she (but hoepfully a he) will have. Right?

Well, I have officially maxed out. The stress, the emotions, the feelings, they've all gotten to me and I had a break down last night. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I cried to my old friends, I cried to my old life, for the baby I don't have, for the stress of school, for the change of life. I cried long and hard. And when I was done, I went to a friend's place who helped me put my life back into perspective. I now see the error of my ways, I see how my life is and I know that this is what I want. I want to be who I am and I want what I have coming to me in life. I want it all and now that I have decided that, I can have it. :)

Well, I tried to go back and I know now that I can't. I met up with a lot of my old friends, and some of them, I'm pretty sure I can have a relationship with them and others I know I can't. It's scarry how four years have gone by and some of them are in the same place. I mean, they may not be doing the same things but they're the same people, you know? It's weird. Maybe I'm the same person, you know? And I think that's what they were expecting. The same person. I don't know how I came off to them - if they noticed how different I am or not...I don't know.
But I do know that as much as I would love to throw myself back into that life, I can't. I'm not that person anymore. I have goals in life and doing what I was doing before will not help me acheive those. Not at all.

So, lately - I don't know why, but I've been really missing my old friends. Like alot. The friends I used to use with that is. I miss a couple of them in particular the most and just wish I could talk to them. I posted a note on facebook apologizing to them for missing everything and for leaving them behind. A couple of them have messaged me back giving me their full support, telling me that they miss me but understand why I did what I did. It does make it a little easier, but I still miss them. Sometimes I just wish I could go back. I know I can't, but I really wish I could.

I've been having some issues. Now that the wedding is over and done with, I still have school to focus on. The wedding cost us a pretty penny and so we don't have a lot right now. In fact, it's been a couple weeks since we moved and still don't have any food in our cupboards. But that's okay. We'll survive. School is almost done, thank God, because I'm really starting to feel the heat. What with the pregnancy, moving, wedding and school, I'd be surprised if I made it through in one peice...We'll see

So, it's official. Tyler and I are finally married! It was a very small ceremony, 45 people in total. We had all our close friends and loved ones and that was all we needed. The ceremony was romantic and intimate and just perfect. Dinner was yummy and then dacing was fun too.
I can't believe I finally did it. We finally did it. I always knew I would get married one day, but as the actual day appraoched it felt so...unreal. At one point, I felt almost like we were playing house. That the entire things was a play, put on for some reason...
But, it was real and now I'm married. To the man of my dreams, to the man I will spend the rest of my life with.

It can only get better from here...

We moved!! Yay!! I absolutely love my new house. I'm a little sad that we won't have a nursery like I imagined, but we'll make do with a game's room until we do.
I can't believe it's mine. I actually have a house of my own. Me and Tyler, living in a house with our two dogs. I can't even get over it. I have stairs!! haha. I just love it!

Today (or I should say yesterday, seeing as it's 3:00 in the morning) was one of the worst days of my life.
Tyler pulled out his back packing, seeing as we're moving at the end of the month, and I had to bring him to the hospital. The second we parked in the hospital parking lot, I started bleeding. Like gushing. I didn't even know if I would be able to get out of the car. I knew right then that I was miscarrying. During the couple of days that I had learned about the prognosis, I got used to the idea that a baby was no where in my immediate future so this occurance didn't startle me too much, I was expecting it. The funny thing, however, is that I was scheduled for a DNC the follwoing day.
I went into the hospital and we both registered. They gave me some jumbo pads and these other pads that very closely resemble puppy pads. I was so scared. I remember sitting in the waiting room, afraid to move because everytime I did I lost another gallon of blood. I wanted Tyler to call my mom but I had no reception and when I got some, I couldn't get a hold of her. I tried my hardest, but a cried as I waited. I was afraid something would go wrong and I would get sick. I was afraid of losing so much blood that I would, as crazy as this sounds, die.
Finally, I got a room. I laid on the bed and for the next few hours had to continuously change my pad about every five minutes. There were pools of blood around my bed and in the bathroom. I never knew a human could lose so much blood. I started feeling faint at one point and thought I was going to pass out. I knew it was because I was losing so much blood but my Dr. said it was due to some sort of nerve. But I know my body and I knew I was losing too much blood.
Finally, after nearly passing out a second time, the Dr. came in and ordered an IV. By this time, it's been about five hours since I started bleeding and there was no end in sight. They scheduled me for a DNC.
However, once I was given the IV the bleeding seemed to slow down. Finally, I was given permission to go home but I had to come back the next day to make sure everything was ok.
I wasn't sad. Frankly, I was glad it was over. The waiting and hoping and wishing. This ended it. I am officially no longer pregnant and a baby is not in my immediate future. Which is ok, because I can finish school and get a nice job and then I can get pregnant and go on maternity leave. That way, I don't have to rely on anyone for money.

Well, this ultrasound was definitely not what I was expecting. There's nothing there. It looks just like it did two weeks ago. There's no pole, no heartbeat, nothing. At this point, I should be 8 weeks, and I'm showing like I'm five. The technician said it's not a good prognosis and I may miscarry.
That was definitely not the information I'd been hoping to hear. I'm a little devestated but I know that these things happen and I have hope that it will change.

The wedding is definitely under way. It's been hard, I've sort of been slacking on the whole thing, trying not to get too stressed or anxious. I think I may end up rushing at the last minute but right now I'm enjoying the preparations. The wedding is scheduled for November 7th at 4:30pm. Invitations have been sent.

I went to my first ultrasound today. I went with Ashley because I really didn't think Tyler was coming. I wasn't expecting him to since there wouldn't be much to see anyhow. But he signed his full-time papers with the government and decided he would like to join us. I went with Ashley in my car and he went with his mom in his car. I was afraid to be late and she had to pick him up all the way downtown.
Apparently, in Ottawa, there are two east highways and MapQuest didn't really tell me which one it was. So I went East towards Rockland when I should have gone East towards Montreal, seeing as I was going to Embrun (I went there because I was able to get in fast). Tyler did the same thing, so unfortunately, he didn't make it to the ultrasound. Which is all fine and dandy because there was nothing there yet. Just a small sack. The technician said it was likely too early, and that's why nothing was developped yet.
I'm a little worried that it won't develop, but we'll see what happens. Apparently, this is common.

Tyler and I have been talking alot about our future and the future of our child. Him being born and raised catholic, the idea of having a child out of wedlock doesn't seem very attractive to Tyler. He's old fashioned like that and that's why I love him. Although our wedding was scheduled for February, we would like to have it slightly earlier so that I'm not the size of a house on my wedding day.
So, we've decided we're going to get married soon, as in two months from now. We've begun the preparations and by this time in November, we'll be husband and wife.

Today, August 28th, a Thursday, I have found out that I am expecting a baby. Considering I am starting my second year of college, am not married and have no job, this baby is not something I expected, or eve, if I might say, wanted - at the moment. Having a baby was definitely on my to do list, however, it was for much later in life, maybe 4 or 5 years from now.
However, as I have had time to prcoess this new revelation, I have come to terms with it. I am, in fact, rather excited. At this moment, I have a living things growing inside my body that I am responsible for the growth and wellbeing.
I was afraid to tell Tyler, but when I told him, he seemed shocked but rather excited as well. We've talked a lot about the situation and have come to figure out a lot.
If I calculate properly, I am due end of April, beginning of May. Which means school will be done. I may not be able to finish the last two or three weeks in class, however, upon talking to my teachers, things will sort themselves out. As for the no job aspect, Tyler has assured me that he can hold the fort until I am able to secure something form home while I take care of the baby. Which I doing on my own free will. I can't bare the thought of having to rely on anyone, even if he is my soon-to-be husband.
So Ella May or Liam John is a welcome addition to our family, however unexpected.

I feel like I don't want to start my blog with some random entry, which is most likely what the case will be. This entry will tell you a little bit about me.

I am a grandaughter, a daughter and an older sister. My brother is one of my closest friends and I love him very much. He is five years younger than me which made it hard growing up but now we're as close as...well, brother and sister.

I have been dating the same man for over five years and I love him very much. We have been engaged to be married for quite some time now and I can't wait to be his wife. The date is set tentatively for February, but we'll see how that goes. It seems we never have enough money to even begin planning our wedding.

I am a "mother" of two dogs that I love more than life itself. Roo is my shih tzu and he's my "sober" dog, as I like to call him. I got him three weeks after I got clean and I feel that he may be my lucky charm. Molly is my newest dog, she's a pain in the ass but I love her anyways.

I've been clean and sober for almost four years now and I love it. Using was fun but it was hard. Hard on me physically, emotionally and spiritually. Most of all, it was hard on my soul. I chose to get clean for a thousand different reasons and although I look back often, I know this is the life for me. I love my life and all that there is to come. If I were not clean, I would not have such a bright future ahead of me.

Hope this helps.