Ach Cailìn

The holidays were really hard for me this year. My brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby. She is due May 17th, I was due May 10th. We got pregnant at the same time. And although I know deep in my heart that the timing wasn't right for us, I couldn't help but feel a sort of jealousy or bitterness towards them. When I found out they were having a girl, I was felt better. I knew, in my heart, that my baby would be a boy and if they were having a boy, I would feel like they were having my baby. It's hard to explain and it probably sounds crazy, but that's how I felt.
So, during Christmas, there were some baby things going around, and it was Grace's third Chirtsmas, but her first one where she really fully understood what was happening. And then at my Grandma's my cousin's three year old daughter was there.
It was just hard, seeing all these babies and knowing I had one so close. I was so close.
SO, now I'm struggling with wanting a baby. I know that the timing still isn't exactly right. I would like to at least finish school before I get pregnant, but I can't help but want one. I want all the specialness that comes with a baby. The happiness and the newness. I want to hold that little thing in my arms and know that it's mine, know that I am responsible for this little bundle.
For now, I guess my dogs will do. But they're not like babies. They top out at a certain level intellectually, whereas a baby, you get to watch grow up in front of your eyes.
One day it will happen. One day I'll have one to hold, I just need to be patient. The longer I wait, the better life he/she (but hoepfully a he) will have. Right?