Ach Cailìn

So, I started writing a new book - which is totally awesome. I haven't really written anything since I left Goodlife, which is...like...three years ago, I think. Granted, I did write a book immediately after leaving Goodlife, I feel like I haven't written in forever. The book I wrote before, Somewhere Somehow, is still in the editing process. But you can only read your own writing so much before you hate it. So, I'm taking a break from that. Also, it's sort of stuck on my laptop at the moment, so I can't do anything with it, really. As soon as I finish editing it, though, I'm going to get a Leslie (from PW) to read it and then I'm going to send it away. I don't know to who yet, but someone, probably in the States. Maybe even the UK. I don't want to even try publishing in Canada because I'll just get rejected. It's a real shame Canadians don't publish Fiction, it really is.
Anyways, so this new story is totally awesome and I'm having so much fun writing it. There's so much conflict and hesitation. It's just awesome. I have noticed, however, that the main character is very close to the same as the one in the previous book I wrote and they've both been cheated on - lol. Maybe all my characters will be like that. Jude Devereaux is like that. They're not always the same characters but they always have the same plot. Which is kind of boring, because after reading thirteen of her books, I know exactly how the story will go. But her characters are so real, I still enjoy reading her books.
Anyways, there's a snippet of the book in my other blog. Just one scene. It was the best one when I posted it, but there have been a few more since then.
Yay!

The holidays were really hard for me this year. My brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby. She is due May 17th, I was due May 10th. We got pregnant at the same time. And although I know deep in my heart that the timing wasn't right for us, I couldn't help but feel a sort of jealousy or bitterness towards them. When I found out they were having a girl, I was felt better. I knew, in my heart, that my baby would be a boy and if they were having a boy, I would feel like they were having my baby. It's hard to explain and it probably sounds crazy, but that's how I felt.
So, during Christmas, there were some baby things going around, and it was Grace's third Chirtsmas, but her first one where she really fully understood what was happening. And then at my Grandma's my cousin's three year old daughter was there.
It was just hard, seeing all these babies and knowing I had one so close. I was so close.
SO, now I'm struggling with wanting a baby. I know that the timing still isn't exactly right. I would like to at least finish school before I get pregnant, but I can't help but want one. I want all the specialness that comes with a baby. The happiness and the newness. I want to hold that little thing in my arms and know that it's mine, know that I am responsible for this little bundle.
For now, I guess my dogs will do. But they're not like babies. They top out at a certain level intellectually, whereas a baby, you get to watch grow up in front of your eyes.
One day it will happen. One day I'll have one to hold, I just need to be patient. The longer I wait, the better life he/she (but hoepfully a he) will have. Right?

Well, I have officially maxed out. The stress, the emotions, the feelings, they've all gotten to me and I had a break down last night. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I cried to my old friends, I cried to my old life, for the baby I don't have, for the stress of school, for the change of life. I cried long and hard. And when I was done, I went to a friend's place who helped me put my life back into perspective. I now see the error of my ways, I see how my life is and I know that this is what I want. I want to be who I am and I want what I have coming to me in life. I want it all and now that I have decided that, I can have it. :)

Well, I tried to go back and I know now that I can't. I met up with a lot of my old friends, and some of them, I'm pretty sure I can have a relationship with them and others I know I can't. It's scarry how four years have gone by and some of them are in the same place. I mean, they may not be doing the same things but they're the same people, you know? It's weird. Maybe I'm the same person, you know? And I think that's what they were expecting. The same person. I don't know how I came off to them - if they noticed how different I am or not...I don't know.
But I do know that as much as I would love to throw myself back into that life, I can't. I'm not that person anymore. I have goals in life and doing what I was doing before will not help me acheive those. Not at all.

So, lately - I don't know why, but I've been really missing my old friends. Like alot. The friends I used to use with that is. I miss a couple of them in particular the most and just wish I could talk to them. I posted a note on facebook apologizing to them for missing everything and for leaving them behind. A couple of them have messaged me back giving me their full support, telling me that they miss me but understand why I did what I did. It does make it a little easier, but I still miss them. Sometimes I just wish I could go back. I know I can't, but I really wish I could.